Boundaries: I Hate Saying “No”
I hate saying "no" to people. Spilling that two-letter word from my tongue feels like pushing molasses up a hill in January. Saying "no" to people, plans, or ideas just feels so final. I am much more comfortable hanging out in the vagaries of "maybe", or "let me check my calendar, and I will let you know", or "great idea, I will get back to you once I check in with the fam."
Most weeks and seasons in life come with invitations, requests, or bids for our time and energy. There are social engagements, service requests, work projects, communal duties, family duties, hobbies, and travel plans, all mixed in with the need for downtime and whatever personal side projects we want to get at. Juggling the demands and expectations of others is no easy task. For someone like me, saying "no" to any of it feels like being tasked with telling a gaggle of kindergarten students that Santa Claus isn't real and Christmas has been cancelled.
Part of my trouble with saying no is a fear of disappointing people. It is never easy to let others down. No one likes the feeling of rejecting an invitation or request. We care about how others feel. We want to help. We want to come through for them. We want to participate.
On a deeper level, though, my trouble with saying "no" is often ego-driven. I want to be liked. Saying "no" is rarely a recipe for winning friends and influencing people. I want others to think well of me. Agreeing to other people's plans and expectations certainly helps in that department.
Deeper still, saying "no" is a confession of human finitude and frailty. No one likes confronting that. We would rather keep believing we can squeeze it all in. Rarely is "I'm tired" or "I don't have the energy" considered a reasonable excuse in polite company. We don't enjoy admitting to our limitations, and others don't like hearing about it either. But all we know the truth of it: each of us only has so much energy and hours in a day. We can't say yes to everything because, as a contemporary truism states, "every yes is a no to something else."
Given all of this, we often feel forced to employ dubious self-defence tactics. There is the "delay making a decision until it is too late" play. There is the excuse playbook, which often spirals into half-truths or bald-faced lies. There is the "say yes to everything, realize you have double booked yourself, then cancel something last minute" strategy. And, of course, there is the "Sorry, I am in a really busy season right now." This one is worth double points because it gets you out of things while also making you look super important. I have made it my goal to banish the word "busy" from my lexicon.
I have learned, and am still learning slowly, that these half-baked strategies for coping with demands and expectations end up frustrating others more than a simple "no" would have in the first place. Being intentional and focused about our upcoming year requires setting firm boundaries and disciplining ourselves to be able to say no.
When I was first ordained as a minister, I was so excited about the prospect of performing weddings while journeying with young couples and earning a little cash on the side. Over time, couples would recommend me to friends and family and before long, this side gig had taken on a life of its own. Within a few years of ordination, virtually every weekend in the summer was booked with weddings. Friday night rehearsals followed by Saturday afternoon wedding, reception in the evening. Over time, I started to hate all of it. Summers were passing me by. I was feeling resentful about giving up every weekend in the summer for a few hundred bucks.
I tried to limit how many weddings I would take on. I tried to say no to anyone not part of my church community, but well, you start to make an exception here and there, a favour for a friend this weekend, another couple caught in a jam next weekend. It was eating up too much time and energy.
In the end, I gave up my ordination credentials for several reasons, but this was certainly one of them. I wanted to create a boundary that just wouldn't allow me to say yes. No marrying power = no weddings. I needed a boundary that answered every request or expectation for me. That is what good boundaries do.
Not every situation is that easy, though. During lonely Covid lockdowns, a friend of mine suggested we partner together on a fun little side project. I didn't have to think about it too much, and with nothing going on during Covid, it made sense to add in an outlet for some fun and laughs. I enjoyed the couple of hours a month I spent on the project. When the world opened back up, though, pressures began to mount. I had said yes to this project during a certain season of life, but in the "post-Covid" season that was emerging, there were other more important things to say yes to. Something needed to give.
It took me almost three months to garner the courage to tell my friend I could no longer participate in our partnership project. I feared disappointing him. I was scared it would change how he felt about me. I was scared I would look weak. But I knew this new season of time was asking me to say yes to other things, and despite it being hard, I felt liberated by the decision.
Saying "no" is the worst. I still hate it. I still struggle to say it. I do it clumsily and often a little too late. But I am learning that saying "no" really is the key to being able to say "yes" to the important things; the things we feel called to.
As you look toward your fall and this new season in front of us, before invitations and expectations are thrown our way, it may be worth asking a few questions of ourselves. What do I value? What do I feel called to? What do I feel a duty towards? Once we answer those questions, we need boundaries to protect them. Learning to say "no" is where good boundaries begin. Here are a few other questions to get you thinking about boundaries.
Setting Limits
1. How do I tend to my values and priorities going into the fall?
2. What is most important to me, and how might I protect it?
3. What limitations might I need to embrace?